To my beloved one
by Stephanie Elena Moon
Summary: Ja'far decided to write everthing down. All about his feelings. The feelings, he never thought he could feel at all. [First try at writing in English ; There's hurt, angst, but there's no comfort, sry - ]


My beloved One,

I'm very well aware of the fact that you'll never read this letter, but I think that I am going to do some terrible mistakes in the near future, if I'm not writing it. This feelings are welling up inside me and are trying to break out. Trying to reach you. I always wanted to tell you, but we both know that it's the best if I don't.  
If I tell you, you certainly will ask how this could happen and when it started.  
The thing is that I really don't even know myself! And it's frustating me, as you can imagine. You know me so well, of course you do. You are my best friend, although I'm just your loyal servant.  
I really like you.  
I love the way you touch and hold me tight, the way your hand gently brushes through my hair in our most intimate moments. I really love it when you suddenly take my hand while we're walking. Of course I'll never be able to tell you even only one of this things.  
Do you remember the few times we kissed? It was at one of Sharkkan's parties, we were partly drunk and his stupid games ordered us to. I really hate him for this nights! Well, that's not entirely true. At first I really hated them but now? Now I treasure this rare memories. How your lips felt, so warm and soft. Of course they tasted like the drinks we've had, but I always wonder how they'll taste when I'm going to kiss you randomly on any other day.  
But we both know that I'm a coward and never will be able to do something like this. You on the other hand could, but why should you?  
Now you certainly think that these kisses are the cause of my feelings. But you're wrong. As said previously, I'm not quite sure about it myself.  
I just realised at one moment that I can't imagine a life without you anymore. I don't even want to imagine something so cruel at the slightest.  
Everyone at the palace refers to us as a wedded couple and although I always thought that they were wrong, I can't think of anything I wish for more now. That you become mine. That I am finally able to tell you everything. About my feelings, the love, the hate, the jealousy, the sadness, the hopelessness and of course about all the tears I really wanted to cry. But I was taught to conceal my feelings when I was younger and this isn't something I can forget so easily. You always tried to break this unhealthy boundaries, free me from my past but we both know that you yourself have enough to worry about. That's one of the reasons I'll never be able to tell you my secret.  
I'm well aware of the fact, that you already figured out that I'm hiding something and that you're itching to reveal my secret. But you're not feeling the same things towards me that I'm harboring for you. This love isn't mutual. The knowledge is enough to rip my heart into pieces. But then you look at me and smile your gentle smile. This sight alone is the only reason my heart is still beating inside my chest. It's still there and beating. Beating for you alone. Beating way too fast when you're looking at me or holding my hand. And skipped a beat when you once kissed me on the cheek out of the blue this one day. So it's only natural that I'm giving my heart to you. The only cause of my entire existence.

I fell for you. I fell deeply and I think that there's no end in the near future, so please bear with me for a while longer. Will you do this for me? I'm sure, that I'll be able to get myself together, to learn how to deal with this new feelings. Just wait for me a little longer. Soon I'll be the trustworthy and loyal servant you used to know, without this weird behaviour I've shown recently around you.

I will say it once and then never again. I'm going to write it and lay all my feelings in this one sentence:

I love you, Sin.

Yours,

Ja'far

Yuu, you're my Sin~ 3 [I'm glad, I did this - now I feel so much better ^^° Sry for everyone, who had to read this]


End file.
